Everything pisses me off. Most everyone is shit. Everyone has a way of dealing with their emotions or someone to vent to. I have. Well. Nothing at all. Driving. Its my only escape. I cant take my car and I cant get a ticket. Can something please go right for once.
Lemme explain how life goes as an adult. Highschool. Fucked around like a normal teenager. Planned for Army. My personal life was a fucking mess my Junior year. Lost my grandmother, my father was a deteriorating meth addict and alcoholic. It’s a fucking blessing that I didn’t turn to the pot, alcohol, and meth that was around to deal with my problems. My dad left me, back in with my mom. Met a girl, the love of my life. Someone who really wasn’t any good for me, other than making me want to do better for myself, so I could do better for her. I got my shit together, set my sights on the Navy. Busted my ass to get seven classes done in one semester, or rather half a semester, so I could graduate on time. Three of those classes being Freshmen English, Junior English, and Senior English. Passed all of them and walked the stage with my head high. Got married two weeks after I turned 18. Stayed with the in laws until the Navy was squared away. Spent almost over a year busting my ass and getting favors from teachers, family friends, and physicians, to get everything I needed together for my enlistment. Last minute, when I had done everything I absolutely had to do, the military decided I couldn’t enlist for some shady, unofficial reason. Great. Still, I wasn’t faded. We got jobs making minimum wage. A few months go by and we are both getting promotions. 6 months after starting and I’m being set up for management. A year goes by and we have already had our own car, apartment, and even pets, doing our own thing. Look, we made it. We are fine. Only upgrades from here. Only smiles and good times to go around. Friends, family, love. Bust my ass at work, work the finances, being the best husband I could be, doing extra where I could. No it wasn’t perfect, but it was more than I ever dreamed I could have. Looking towards the future, a family. Had a job lined up at my wife’s company, a Panera Night Baker. Guaranteed full hours, full benefits, starting at 150% my previous pay, with only rasies ahead, free meals, no management or customers to deal with. Fucking primo. Just got back from vacation. Just got a perfect new kitten. Got a call that I got the job. Holy shit, things are amazing.That night she didn’t come home. Whoa. Well, Idk. The next morning she isn’t in bed. She calls me, she is on her way home. She is sitting on the edge of the bed and wont look at me, I can’t hold back the sobs. I hear the words coming from her mouth and the reassuring promises, but I know what this is. Like a fucking freight train, smashing me against a wall. The next month was physical, mental, and emotional exhaustion. No sleep. No eating. Lost at least 20 pounds. Flip flopping between crying until I couldn’t breathe and pounding my fists into the floor worried I may hit anything else. Couldn’t stand being in our bed. I would lay on the couch in tears and sweat, staring at the blinking light on my Xbox. Building my self hate and blame. Here I am, falling apart. There she goes, partying and enjoying the fact that she doesn’t have to deal with me and gets to live life on the fucking edge? Still I kept a shred of hope in my back pocket. Pointless bullshit. I was planning my suicide. Trying to word the explanation and reassurance I would leave in the form of videos or letters to those who mattered. Then a light. A girl, to be real. She somehow saved me. I was okay. I was planning again. Then she left out, because she felt something we believed was real. Whatever. I’m giggin. Two more summer romances, and I was feeling good. Then boom, my ‘best friend’ and prospective roommates flips and bail over some stupid shit. Well. Okay. New plan. Live on my own. Do my own thing. Yes. Wait. I’m twenty now. My last paycheck didn’t show up. Well. What the fuck. My bank shit totally went out the window. Over drawn $115+ over some bullshit. My insurance boosted $70 because my agent changed me to single male. I owe her $477 for some more bullshit. My wife isn’t paying the bills, so I am watching that shit rack up. I have extra shit to pay on the internet after paying $160 so she could keep it, because Comcast fucked up. My hours are waning because my BTS hasn’t put me in training. Well fuck this. Can’t live on my own if I’m not making money. All my friends are in turmoil, no one has money. I can’t even voice the good news, because eyes have loose mouths that would start a whole slew of fucking drama. Let me just say, fuck life. Fuck trying hard and being a good person. I work hard and go above and beyond, yet I don’t get what I deserve at work. I’m careful with money and I plan everything to a tee, yet all my finances are fucked. I did everything I could and then some, to be the best man and husband to someone who wasn’t there mentally and emotionally, and then physically. No one gives a shit about anyone else when it doesn’t interest them. I have had my heart broken and stomped on repeatedly, I have done nothing but make my wife leaving me easy on her. No one is around to help me. Karma is bullshit or ill-timed. I’m quickly losing everything. I’m floundering, trying to feel anything. I’m listening to everyone talk about how awful life is and how they are ready to check out, when they haven’t even tasted the blood yet. I’m sorry, I have no pity for a bunch of spoiled shits who have had and still have everything handed to them and have never had to deal with their own problems like adults. Try going through one fucking hard ship on your own. I’m fucking not a week over 20 and I’ve had to deal with pretty much every life experience short of fatherhood and losing my parents or sisters. I’m still here, regardless of my reasons, I’m still breathing. I tell you what, one of these days I will break, and once all the giving stops, someone is going to realize I’m gone. I’m not perfect, but I refuse to believe that I’m not worth it.
My emotions right this second confuse me. Am I happy my BTS thinks i’m a beast at work? Am I excited about this new love? Am I nervous about mistakes that may change everything? Am I worried about money and my stability? Am I angry about the lies and bullshit from what I believed to be the most pure part of my life? Idk. Sleep sounds great. I should reiterate. When I read the shit you post, it makes my blood boil. And you will never know why. I hope it was worth it, man. Just know that right now, I’m not losing. I said it and I meant it. I was the last to let go, but I was sure as hell the first to move on. I never realized you were the poison in my veins.
For a second I thought you were gonna say something meaningful. May e that you missed me. You haven’t said it once, you know. I keep saying, I wouldn’t take you back even if you came crying. Not because I don’t love you, but because you left. You gave up. How could I go on knowing that at any minute you could leave again. It doesn’t matter and it doesn’t keep me up at night. I just wish you would say something. Give me some sign that it meant anything. That it hurt as you walked away. That there is a whole in your heart where home used to be. I guess its better if there isn’t. You never confided in me before, and I don’t expect you to now. I just hope that someone can help you. Someone will make you happy.
This summer has been down right crazy. Im on my way into something new. I cant lie, I still kinda wish it was you. But hey, what the hell can I do?